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Simon Phillip Cowell (born 7 October 1959) is a British record executive, television producer, “author,” celebrity talent judge, and a dick.
Through the creation of television programs such as American Idol, Pop Idol, and Britain’s Got Talent, he has managed to force both his abrasive personality and the abrasive personalities of a number of mediocre “artists” into homes across the world. Uniquely, while many celebrities became popular despite being dicks, Cowell became a celebrity because he is a dick.
Cowell worked at EMI for a time in the 1980s before founding his own label, Fanfare. When Fanfare’s parent company went bankrupt, Cowell took his hard-edged, wheeling-and-dealing executive skills back home, literally. He moved back into his parents’ house, where he was able to “sign” less popular “artists” like “his mom” to make him “breakfast.”